I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: being married has not changed our relationship. People kept asking if I felt different now that I was married, and that never made any sense to me. We stayed the same people, with the same house and same relationship. The only difference was a legally binding contract. I mean, yay and all, but the actual relationship didn’t change one bit.
Do I really need to do a post about our first year then? It feels like I do. After all, I became, for lack of a better term, violently pregnant before we even got back from our honeymoon, so things have been going at warp speed. That is not a complaint, just a statement of fact. We wanted a baby right away, and Finn wanted to be with us. I wouldn’t change the way things happened for anything. It’s just been a hectic few years and, for the sake of sanity, we need to slow the hell down.
We planned our wedding for almost a year and a half, and the actual day was freaking magical. There were not a lot of things, if any, that I would have changed, and I don’t know many brides that can say that. Our honeymoon was pretty great, even with the discovery that neither of us like cruises over much. Then we came home and confirmed that we were going to be parents. Talk about a whirl wind.
So many things happening at once, and having a rather rotten pregnancy, only served to confirm that I have a spectacular husband. I would not have wanted to deal with a c-section with anyone else. For a while, he was way better with the diapers than I was because he did most of the diapering. Unless it was the middle of the night and I was up feeding him while Shawn slept, diaper duty belonged to him. Every time I had a doubt that I could have done something differently to have a different birth experience (which is total crap), Shawn was there to reassure me that no, nothing I did could have changed anything.
I still doubt myself as a mom sometimes. When I have a migraine, and that happens far more often than I would like, I feel guilty for not being able to take Finn for a walk, or take him outside to sit on the porch. I know how much he loves it out there, but we have to stay inside if we’re by ourselves. I feel terrible on the days that I’m so tired I would kill for a two hour nap, but Finn doesn’t nap. I love watching him play, but he’s in this phase where screaming in delight is the best thing to do, and that is not conducive to migraines. You can’t, however, explain to a five month old that mummy’s head hurts so we have to have a quiet day.
My husband, the husband I honestly never thought I would have, sees me as an amazing mother. When I have doubts about the kind of parent I am, he wipes them away. When I feel bad about not helping with something because Finn is eating, he reassures me. He is everything I ever could have asked for.
I think that’s why this year has been so surreal. This is going to sound very cliché, but the two things I’ve always wanted for my life were to be a wife, whether it be to a man or woman, and a mother, and I got both those things almost at the same time. It’s like my life decided to finish clicking in to place right as I was coming up on my thirtieth decade of life. I was happy with things before, but now I really feel complete.
Our anniversary was a great day. Shawn bought me a new dress (a blue swing dress with black cats and red balls of yarn by Pinup Couture, we got to try out a new barbecue joint called MEAT, and we took in two movies (both X-mean: Days of Future Past and Maleficent). Without even realizing it, we recreated out first date, which happened exactly four years earlier. Luckily, neither of the movies this time was Prince of Persia. It reminded me of why, and how, we connected in the first place.
Shawn and I don’t just watch movies (or play games or read books). We talk about them and hash them over, sometimes for weeks after the fact. Our tastes are very similar, and it was a lot of those things that drew us together in the first place. I’m pretty sure that Shawn loved the idea of a decent looking girl who played video games, read fantasy novels and comic books and was capable of having and intelligent conversation. If I had found me, I must admit that I would have been turned on. If I can’t talk to someone and I have nothing in common with them (or they have to pretend to like what I like) there is no point. When Shawn found me, we both struck gold.
So, was the first year good? Of course it was. We formed our family. We enlarged our family. The many reasons I love the man I married have been reinforced a dozen times over. It’s been exhausting. It’s been frustrating. I wouldn’t change any of it.