Changes

Easter and Mother’s Day have come and gone. Easter was pretty standard. Finn and I went to church with my parents (Shawn is not a church person, so he only does really important occasions), and then we headed home to Finns first Easter basket. He got books, toys and a Jolly Jumper, and I can tell you right now, that was the best investment we have made for him.

He will literally jump until he falls asleep. I nave several excellent videos of him doing just that, and often the last thing he will do before bed is have a good long jump. He turned three months on Easter Monday, so the timing was perfect. He’s always liked being in a standing position, and this way he gets to stand on his own with a lot of really good spinal support. It’s really win win.

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There were a lot of people at my parents house for dinner, and unfortunately, Finn got really over stimulated. When this happens, he gets cranky, and it’s hard to settle him for the night. Also unfortunately, my family doesn’t always get that he still needs quiet time. He’s not used to tons of rowdy people all wanting a piece of him. He can handle it for shot periods, but we’re still working up to being able to do it for longer periods. When he did finally settle, he was out for a long time, but getting there was a challenge. Luckily, if I can get him to nurse, he usually settles pretty well. Hurray for breastfeeding. It really is useful on so many levels.

Mother’s Day was pretty much a bust. We went to church again and ended up working around the yard for most of the day. Shawn was working, and while he did remember to send me a text message (he didn’t forget!) I didn’t get so much as a card. I was super pissed. See, he’s not the type of person who thinks that cards are a big deal, but it was my first Mother’s Day, and it meant a lot to me. I wanted to have something to remember it with, and while I have a few adorable pictures of Finn sitting on the deck, that’s about all I have. Add to that the fact that Finn was fussy most of the he day and I was fighting a migraine, and it was just disappointing all around. I cried, I’ll admit it.

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It probably doesn’t help that I’ve been more emotional than normal lately. (Yes, in realize that Mother’s Day is not lately anymore, but this is when things started, so near with me.) And, my hair has been falling out. It don’t mean the normal, “Hey, I’m losing all the hair I never lost when I was pregnant” my hair is falling out. I’m talking it it looks like a balding wookie lives in my house. Whenever I vacuum, I’m stopping to clean out the power head three times, at least, so the poor thing doesn’t have a heart attack and die. The hair loss and mood swings, combined with extreme exhaustion and the fact that my son eats like a starving polar bear and I started gaining weight back, led me to believe that my thyroid, or the half of it that I have left, had finally started to die.

My GP is great. If I can give him a solid reason for something (and no, googling doesn’t count as a solid reason), he will be in board with requests for blood work. I told him what had been going on, and he agreed that things needed to be checked out. We also did a bunch of other stuff, just to cover all the bases. Hey, if you’re having blood drawn anyway, what are a few extra vials?

Part of me really wanted things to be all in my head, but I knew they weren’t. It didn’t take long for the call from the doctors office confirming what I already knew, and adding an extra turd to the shit heap: the ferritin levels in my blood were very low. My doctor likes mine to be around 50 and they were sitting at 4. Low blood iron and an under producing thyroid? No wonder I felt like road kill.

So, now I’m taking iron supplements, although not as high a dose as I was because they were making the baby unbearable gassy, And a low starting dose of synthroid. In the grand scheme of things, taking a few extra pills every day isn’t really a big deal, but it still bums me out. I don’t clearly recall a time in my life when there hasn’t been something wrong with me, and that is extremely tiring. I’m not trying to complaint for the sake of complaining, because I have a pretty stellar life, but being chronically ill can be frustrating and mentally exhausting beyond belief.

There are days when I hope and pray that I will feel normal for five minutes. I would love to be tired in a way that sleep would actually be able to fix. The exhaustion I’ve been feeling lately doesn’t go away if I get eight hours. I can have the worst day and be emotionally fine with it, and have the best day and be a complete mess. Add to that the old standbys of migraines and GERD and you can imagine that I must be feeling like a million bucks.

Taking care of Finn is sucking up all my energy. I don’t have anything left to use on being pleasant to people. I’m extremely irritable, even when there’s not reason for it. If there is a reason for it, you’d better watch the hell out because I will turn into a bitch faster than you can blink. Poor Shawn has been getting the huge brunt of this and I don’t know how he deals with it. I knew he was an amazing man, but situations like this just further impress upon me how lucky I am to have him.

I’m trying hard not to stress about it, but with the upcoming trip to visit his parents in BC for the the week, it’s hard not to. I know the smart thing to do would be to tell them what’s going on with my health, so honey don’t think I dislike them more than they already do, but a large part of me doesn’t want to say a word. Shawn’s dad especially gives me the impression that he thinks Shawn married a broken person, and adding more illnesses to the heap wouldn’t help that at all. On the other hand, if I say nothing and I happen to be extra irritable, they might just think that I don’t want to be there.

What a great situation.

I can’t say that I am looking forward to going, but it has nothing to do with dislike for my in laws. I don’t dislike them. I just like being in complete control of my environment, especially when I need to sleep somewhere. Shawn snores, and I don’t always sleep in the same room because of it. When I’m staying in someone else’s house, though, I can’t exactly get up and wander off in the middle of the night. I also don’t want the in laws to know how May nights we sleep apart, eve though it has no negative impact on our relationship/marriage whatsoever. They would mostly likely assume that it does regardless of what we say. After all, Shawn’s dad assumed that his weight gain was because of stress in our relationship.

(We have been sleeping apart more than together for a long time. As we have a son that was not immaculately conceived, you can imagine that our relationship is not suffering.)

The goal at this point is to stay positive about everything that happens from here on out. The problems have been identified and are being dealt with. My husband is amazing and supportive, as always. I have an incredibly good baby (for more on what that means to me, see the next post) who I still can’t get enough of. I guess if I look at the bigger picture, two more small broken things on my body is not a big deal, no matter what it feels like.

On a side note, the blog is changing. The new name has taken effect. Shawn says that the old address is no longer active, although it should be, so I’m going to look in to that and make sure. Categories re being reorganized, and some features are going to be dealt away with. It was just getting to be too much. The features are now going to come when there is a call for them as opposed to me trying to bang one out every day. This should eke then content more quality focused instead of quantity focused. I would love some feedback on this, so please, drop me an email or comment.

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