There is a lot to be (potentially) anxious about when you’re pregnant. However, if you’ve ever lost a pregnancy, most of the anxiety you’re going to feel is about that: the previous loss (or losses) and your current pregnancy. That’s where I’m at. I’m going to be 16 weeks tomorrow, and I still can’t help wondering if something is going to go wrong.
Losing a pregnancy, whether it was planned or not, is one of the most devastating things a woman can go through. You will sit around for days, wondering if there was anything you could have done differently, if things were somehow your fault. I often wondered if I would ever be able to have a healthy pregnancy at all. I think that has to do with my illness and the fact that I’ve been on so many medications for so long, I really had no idea what the long term effects were going to be on my body.
When Shawn and I found out we were expecting the Tiny Human, I was ecstatic; I was also hesitant to be ecstatic. I didn’t want to get my hopes up, start making plans, and have something go wrong. I also didn’t want Shawn to have to experience that feeling of terrible loss and failure. Yes, I felt like a failure, even though there was nothing I could have done to change things in the past.
The farther along things progressed, the less I started to worry. Seeing the first ultrasound pictures helped a huge amount. There was a Tiny Human in there, and it had all the right parts and a healthy heart beat. Sure, when something new started happening (like my ligament pain) I freaked right out. My mind went to the worst possibility first: something was wrong with the baby. Even when I was reassured that things were okay, it took several days to get myself calm and under control again.
Now, I seem to be overly aware of what’s happening with my body. I know what the Tiny Human’s movements feel like, even though they’re faint. I know not to panic if I’m having gas pains. And on, and on. The list of things I’ve had to teach myself not to worry about seems enormous.
Every time I have a doctor’s appointment, I feel a surge of that dreaded anxiety. I know we’re going to be taking a listen to the heart beat; what I can’t help worrying about is what if they can’t find it? What if something has happened, and I didn’t notice, and now the heart beat just isn’t there? Luckily, this hasn’t been the case. The Tiny Human has had a good heart beat every time we’ve taken a listen. I know I shouldn’t be freaking out. It’s not logical. But it is something that happens if you’ve experienced that loss in the past.
My next visit to the OB is on September fifth, and the closer is gets, the more antsy I’ve been getting. I want to hear the heart beat. I want to know that it’s there, and healthy, and normal. My next ultrasound is the week after that, and I’m even more anxious for that appointment. I’m so excited to see the changes that the Tiny Human has gone through since July 8. I’m hoping we’ll be able to find out what we’re having. Mostly, though, I just want to make sure everything is okay.
I know I should stop worrying. Adding unneeded worry to my life isn’t good for me, and it’s certainly not good for my sleep or my migraine disease. I just can’t get over the fact that I am having a healthy, normal (albeit difficult) pregnancy. My body is doing something properly for a change, and I don’t think my mind can latch on to that fact.
I am trying really hard to be in the moment and not worry about any potential “ickiness”. I still have a ways to go on that front, I’m afraid.
Has anyone else who’s experienced a loss had the same types of feelings with their next pregnancy? I would love to hear what other people who have had similar experiences felt while going through this. Leave your comments below.